And So it Continues...

I just want to read all day and not do anything, ever.

Sat, 11 Feb 2012 14:05:21 -0500

I just want to read all day and not do anything, ever.

Replay’s a gift sent from the gods.

Fri, 10 Feb 2012 22:31:00 -0500

Replay’s a gift sent from the gods.

Photo

Fri, 10 Feb 2012 20:36:12 -0500

Photo

Fri, 10 Feb 2012 20:35:42 -0500

Decaying rose was shot by Billy Kidd.

Fri, 10 Feb 2012 20:35:04 -0500

Decaying rose was shot by Billy Kidd.

Photo

Fri, 10 Feb 2012 20:34:33 -0500

Belly of the Whale

Fri, 10 Feb 2012 20:33:45 -0500

I’ve concluded that I want to live old and with cats; this is what I am meant for.

I’m not cut out for love, for affection, for intimacy…perhaps I am, but not in the way you want me to. I can only love all, my limit ends there.

I just don’t know what I want, but I do know what I don’t want; that much is clear. Idealism and delusions absorb my mind and nothing is ever perfect.

I suppose that’s the issue, then. Nothing is ever perfect, more importantly, it does not feel perfect. It’s the gradual frequency of disappointment where I keep letting you down, now I feel I can’t fix. I know the solution, see you more often, but it’s always so much work. In the end I know I only ever disappoint, so why even try?

I’ve become a bit Apathetic to this whole relationship, which is the worst thing I could ever do. But I’m over-ruled by my emotions, Ryan Gosling said it best:

”…I relate to that, because sometimes I don’t feel anything at all for things I’m supposed to, and other times I feel too much. It’s not always like it is in the movies.”

I always feel so strongly, that when I begin to not feel I don’t know what to do with myself.

To love scares me, this is as simple as it’ll ever get.

My Xanga page.

Thu, 26 Jan 2012 15:23:06 -0500

http://link-is-so-sexy.xanga.com/

This is so old, 7 years to be exact. Time flies by so quickly; I still remember writing some of these post as if it were yesterday. <3 Thanks to Stoofi for inspiring me to go onto this crazy path of nostalgia.

I realize I haven’t changed much at all.

I LOVE EVERY LAST ONE OF YOU! :)

Ayn Rand is All Wrong.

Thu, 26 Jan 2012 02:59:49 -0500

And sometimes the sense of guilt overflows the dam I’ve built so carefully. It seeps through the cracks and creases, until the water’s murky depth is all I see.

At the end of the day I can’t help but feel such a terrible person.

I’m sorry, I feel.

I’m sorry.

But I’m always so selfish.

Photo

Mon, 23 Jan 2012 02:34:53 -0500

fuckyeahillustrativeart: Sam Moss

Mon, 23 Jan 2012 02:24:04 -0500

fuckyeahillustrativeart:

Sam Moss

malfoysenior: memmis: endymion-: hollysses: bbook: checkmysh...

Mon, 23 Jan 2012 02:21:02 -0500

malfoysenior:

memmis:

endymion-:

hollysses:

bbook:

checkmyshoe123:

Benedict Cumberbatch reads “Ode to a Nightingale” by John Keats.

THE END, BYE.

fuuuuuu—- *croak* I think I need a cold shower. This isn’t even fair. Please can benedict read me a story and poetry to help me sleep every night?

enchantingimagery: Bluebeard, by Nadezhda Illarionova.

Mon, 23 Jan 2012 02:20:51 -0500

enchantingimagery:

Bluebeard, by Nadezhda Illarionova.

Photo

Mon, 23 Jan 2012 02:20:14 -0500

bloodrider: “It’s okay. It’s okay.” They have such a...

Mon, 23 Jan 2012 02:15:35 -0500

bloodrider:

“It’s okay. It’s okay.”

They have such a cute relationship. Second favorite on skins, besides Chris and Jal of course.

Photo

Mon, 23 Jan 2012 02:12:50 -0500

A list of things.

Fri, 13 Jan 2012 00:33:00 -0500

I’ve had this on my mind for a while now; I saw a facebook survey titled “25 random things”, I thought I’d give it a go here, because why not? No one will read this. :3

1. I am probably the most understanding person you will ever meet. Or at least I strive to be this. I feel that I come close; I try my damn hardest to feel you out as a person(get your mind out of the gutter, now). When you speak to me, I am you, if only for a little. I like to think that empathy is my greatest strength, my super power if you will. You can tell me ANYTHING and I will not judge you any less. Of course, I will judge. But to judge less is not what I do, or ever do. Not even when you do something deemed “terrible,” or “evil” etc. do I judge any less. Most of life is a grey area, extremes are only theoretical. I judge only to form advice, if it is ever needed. I take my side, and say “this may have been a wiser choice, this is one of the things you can do to fix it”. Other than that, I completely understand where you come from, why you do the things you do, and accept you completely. I accept, but I will not let you stagnate. I encourage personal growth to the fullest.

2. I am easily hurt by criticism…It’s weird, I know. You could probably never tell, but honestly, one word and woosh! my entire self-confidence crumbles. I work hard to not let it bother me though…it’s just, I take criticism very, very seriously. If someone points out a flaw, then that means my weakness is showing, if only for a bit. I start to monitor myself afterward very carefully so that it doesn’t show again. This goes into my third point.

3. I am a perfectionist at heart. Sometimes to an unhealthy degree…but, ey. If I don’t meet my own standards then I get depressed/anxious. I have such high standards for myself that I work myself into a frenzy sometimes.

4. I think the worst I’ve ever been called is “boring”. I cried immediately after. It’s only been said once, but it really left a dent in my psyche. I guess maybe I should have seen it coming, because really, they did keep asking me to go outside but I preferred the internet haha.

5. I’m a chameleon. I’ll adapt my ways to fit yours. Or rather, I’ll just filter myself and show you only what you want to see, usually. I like to think of it as percentages; for instance, my mother knows about 93% of ‘me’, that’s the highest on record. My closest friends only know about 85. Some people will ever only know 5% or less of who I am, because I feel that they either won’t “get” me, or they’re just not worth my time. I like to be appreciated, if I feel that you won’t appreciate who I am, my quirks and all, then I will not give myself to you. Some people just bare their soul for all the world, that’s far too painful for me to do.

6. I was never afraid of the dark, ever. I remember I believed in demons and ghosts at one point in my life, but the dark did not scare me. Even when I believed in demons I used the thought of being protected by “Jesus” as a guiding force. I always thought myself so strong.

7. In every fantasy-story line-daydream thing I’ve ever created, I’m always the “chosen one”. It’s perhaps a bit conceited, but I always, always identify with the ordinary but great and talented joe. Haha! I suppose its my minds way of telling me, “Sure, you may have low esteem now, but you’re a great person! Destiny says so!” It’s a nice ego boost.

8. I feel obligated to take care of everyone. I take it upon myself, it’s a creed I live by.

9. My number one philosophy concerning people is this: Treat others as you would like to be treated. This is probably why I like to take care of everyone, because I know it’s a nice feeling to be loved and cared for.

10. I don’t know whether I believe there is such a thing as ‘true altruism’.

11. I tend to be a negative nancy…but years of experience has helped me counteract this, I have good practice in being an Optimist.

12. I used to be so idealistic in my youth, two or three years back. I’ve turned to quite the cynic, but whenever I hear anything remotely inspiring the idealism always ignites within my soul, like a flickering candle. It’s nice, I’m going to practice being idealistic again, I miss those days.

Um, TO BE CONTINUED.

My selfishness cries out for freedom.

Tue, 04 Oct 2011 13:49:00 -0400

I feel as though I’ve changed so much. I don’t know who I am anymore…or perhaps a better way of putting it is this: I’m so ashamed of what I’ve become. Today, the actual thought of completely shunning and leaving my best friend came to mind. I thought, “maybe it’s the best option, I thought I was okay with the damage that she’d done but I guess not. It’s all culminated, and all I did was lock it up.”

I thought I was okay, I convinced myself she deserved better than I. I’ve talked myself down, I’ve made a mantra out of “stop being so selfish”. But it’s hurting me in the end, I think. The thought of talking to her only makes me angry, and sad, and ashamed, all at once. Maybe it’s jealously too? I feel that she’s gotten all she wants with little to no effort, it’s handed to her on a silver plate. I’ve put in effort and yet I get nothing in return. GAH, ALL THIS NEGATIVITY, it’s eating me up inside, it makes me feel disgusting.

My past self could actually handle all of this. She would have decapitated the thought of shunning my best friend right where it stood, it would have never been an option for her. I guess my emotions are just so overwhelmed right now…I don’t want to tell myself, “Hey Dalissa, be the better man. Go talk to her, don’t let this bother you, it’s absolute rubbish.” But doing so would only make me feel more ashamed. I mean, just realizing that I feel this way only makes me feel worse. I guess it’s the perfectionist in me, it’s telling me: “You’ve failed, look at how badly your emotions rule you. You have no control.” Ugh. Ugh. Ugh. This rut is just so long.

edit:

I think, in the end, the issue here is my self-esteem. I feel as though no matter how hard I try, it’s all pointless. My efforts are never rewarded. I need some serious positive self-talk in order to get out of this rut. Let time be my healer.

EDIT: Since the cat’s out of the bag, I might as well keep this public.

Photo

Sun, 02 Oct 2011 20:24:05 -0400

I’m impressed, S.Korea. <3

Sun, 02 Oct 2011 20:20:01 -0400

I’m impressed, S.Korea. <3